I Don't Want to be a Doctor Anymore?

那天，无意中在Mail-box 看到一则名为“I Don’t Want to be a Doctor Anymore” 的信息。在好奇心的驱使下，直往E-mail题目上click了一下。以下与大家分享的是改名作者所撰写的部落格：

This is the blog entry that I've been thinking about writing for the past few weeks. However, I hesitated composing and publishing my thoughts for the world to read. I was afraid that people would think less of me, and that my friends and family would be very disappointed. But when I first started writing about my medical school experiences online, I promised that I would publish the good, along with the bad. So, I think sharing my honest experiences is ultimately the best way to get things off my chest, and perhaps help other people along the way.

I've shared this with very few people, but before entering medical school, I had intentions of pursuing a Ph.D in clinical psychology. I've been involved in the world of psychology for quite sometime, and at the time, it seemed like a very good fit for me. So, I took the GRE (Graduate Record Examination), and applied to around seven different clinical psychology Ph.D programs. I thought that I had a fairly decent chance of getting into at least one, as I had extensive research and clinical experience in psychology, good GRE scores, and all kinds of volunteer and extra-curricular work on my resume. However, much to my disappointment, I didn't get a single offer from any of the programs. This was a huge blow to my self-esteem, and I didn't take the experience lightly.

Eventually, I came to believe that being turned down by the psychology programs was some type of sign. Perhaps I was simply not meant to pursue this path in life. But if not this path, then what was I meant to do? During college, I had also seriously entertained the idea of going to medical school. In fact, I had taken all the required pre-med courses, as well as the MCAT (Medical College Admissions Test). After a thorough evaluation of all my options, I decided that the med school path was in fact what I was meant to do.

Now, I'm in my third year of med school. I've done pretty well thus far, and I even have an inkling of what type of speciality I would like to pursue. My educational debt is growing alarmingly close to $200,000. My friends and family are all excited to begin calling me Dr. Campbell, and my graduation date is set for fifteen months down the road. But right now, I don't really want to become a doctor of medicine.

Many of you reading this right now may be wondering why the heck I'm all of a sudden doubting my commitment to medicine. I wish I could give you a concrete answer. But the truth is, I really don't know why. It might be due to the recent lack of patient encounters. It might have something to do with the fact that I've been going through a lot of life stressors recently. Or maybe it's because I've just not really felt challenged lately. I really can't pinpoint an actual cause.

Yesterday, I started searching online for psychology Ph.D programs. I did some research to figure out how I would handle my monumental amount of debt, should I decide to drop out of med school. I'm seriously considering my other options in life.

Is it possible that all this is just some phase that I'm going through? Yes, definitely. In fact, I'm wondering just how common these types of thoughts are. Is this just something that most students go through? When I look around at other med students, they all seem so confident to me. I never hear them talking about doubting their decision to go to med school. Everyone just seems to be so satisfied with their decision. But I wonder how much of this is just a facade. Is it typical to have these thoughts at some point in your medical education, or am I all alone on this one?

Posted By: Kendra Campbell

源自：http://boards.medscape.com/forums/.29efa5eb?@419.vfUJa87VcnN@!comment=1


部落格的内容一针见血，作者并没有加以修饰，她实实在在地道出部分MS (medical student) 的心声。偶尔与几位朋友闲聊，当中不时会有人提到：“为何当初会选择这一行? 简直就是自讨苦吃！”大家除了一笑而置之以外，也不能做什么了，还是那老套的一句：“择你所爱，爱你所择”！提及为何会选择这一行，有人说那是从小的梦想；不少人是因为优越的成绩而顺水推舟地从此踏上这条学医的不归路，哈！当中也有一小部分的人是为了名利或金钱，抑或是背负着父母的期望而选择了它，就像某名lecturer所说的，那你就大错特错了！惟有祝君好运了！

在大多数人的眼里，能够挤入医学系是多么风光的一件事；然而，MS背后所承受的压力与一切辛酸史，看来也只有行内人才可以体会，在此也无需多提了。或许，若有一天，你想对你身旁学医的朋友说：Dr，你真是厉害，了不起或类似的话前请三思！！！当然，EQ有一定份量的人还是会以那套一笑而置之来应招，待回家后再独自把那苦水往肚里吞！其实，实况并没有想象的那么般差，试问哪一行的职业是没有压力的？！就连街边的清道夫也有他们的生活压力，不是吗?！

也许就像笔者所提及的，大部分的MS在学医路上都曾经存有类似想放弃的念头，但扪心自问，不念医学系，又能念些什么呢？若是放弃，那之前所付出的一切岂不是功亏一篑？！那真是进退两难啊！此刻，那道问题又浮现在我脑海里：为什么你会选择医学系？看似简单的问题，但若是你已找到自己的答案，而且还是出自你心底的，那你肯定能走完这条艰难的学医之路。朋友们，大家共勉之吧！

我在儿科肿瘤部的日子

转眼间，两个月的elective posting 就要告一段落了；想到下星期起又要被打回原形，过着那忙得透不过气的生活，心中不禁哀叹：快乐的时光总是过得特别快！

朋友们都挖苦地说：“你就是那么的犯贱，明明有两个月的假期却不要好好享受，反之留在这里 follow clinic, 简直就是自讨苦吃！”“你在“晒命”啊？！早已把所需资料搜集完毕却迟迟不要回家！”还好，意志坚定的我 （抑或是牛皮灯笼点不着，哈!）并没有危言耸听， 反而一意孤行地呆在这里，直到elective 结束为止，否则我就错过了这两个月充实万分的“我在儿科肿瘤部的日子”了。当中，我也趁新年期间，让自己放了有史以来最悠长的年假，打从年廿八直到拜了天公才重回elective岗位，日子实在轻松写意。

不晓得自己打从哪个时期开始对Oncology （肿瘤科）这门学问暗生情愫。为什么会钟情于它？我也不知道。也许就像刚拍拖的情侣一样，为何会爱上对方自己也懵然不知，反正喜欢就是喜欢，哈！

提及癌症病患，相信在大部分人的脑海中总会浮现类似的画面：面无血色，骨瘦如柴或头发已脱落得寥寥无几的病患，无助地躺在病榻上，在癌细胞的侵蚀下，痛得发出微弱的呻吟声。然而，身在儿科肿瘤部的当儿，眼前所见的却与上述画面有所出入。原来，癌症病童也可以如此般的活泼好动！他们毫无顾忌地在病房走廊上奔跑嬉戏，有者更喜欢前来向当值的医务人员搭讪几句。与许年龄尚小的他们对本身的病情根本一窍不通，脸上总是绽放着天真无邪的笑容。此刻，小文杰（译名）胖嘟嘟的脸蛋再次浮现在我的脑海里。他的两道眉毛因类固醇药物的副作用而显得格外茂盛，乍看之下可媲美漫画中的蜡笔小新；每每把手放在他的腹上检查时，他总会咔咔大笑，他的笑声足以感染在场的每一位，令众人恨不得往他的脸蛋上捏! 另一边厢，Eddie 却因等得不耐烦，在被检查当儿露出嘴嘟嘟的表情，假扮沉默，煞是可爱。

Day Care Clinic 里无时会传来震耳欲聋的哭声。看着自己的孩儿正承受皮肉之痛，试问哪个身为父母的不是痛在心里？！但除了站在一旁安抚孩子，他们又能做些什么呢？曾经听过一位爸爸向医生说过：“ Itu anak ma, mestilah anak lebih penting!” 简单的一句回应，道出这位慈父对其爱儿无微不至的爱与关怀。

虽说癌症病童的存活率远远超过成人病患，但并不是每个儿童病患都享有此优惠，小宏（译名）的病例就是其中一个。第一次见到小宏是在诊所里，只因小宏父母不谙国语，在场的我就充当了翻译员。后来，小宏被诊断患上了一种罕见的恶性肿瘤，肿瘤继而在他腹腔内日愈渐大。上网查寻有关肿瘤的资料，获悉类似病患的存活率仅是百分之二十，心房顿时冷了大半截。后来，小宏的免疫能力因Chemo （化学疗法）而大不如前；腹上的伤口更不知何故受感染，如今已被转入加护病房。

在加护病房内，小宏的身体状况每况愈下。那天，医生在病床前向小宏妈妈询问他的近况。日夜守候在病床旁的妈妈，显得有点憔悴，她说小宏向她申诉痛，并说想要吃东西。语毕，那股久违的无助感油然而生，顿感眼泪就在眼眶内打滚着，喉咙也变得僵硬许多。我加速脚步离开病房，担心那眼泪会支撑不了滑溜下来。“不要怕，妈妈在！”那位慈母的声音仿佛言犹在耳。随着时间的流逝，与病人相处的时间也日愈增进；人说相处久了，一草一木皆有情，更遑论是有生命的病人！原以为目睹了不少生死离别场面，对生死之事早已麻木不已，但今天心底那道围墙差点就应声而倒。毕竟，人，始终是有感情的动物。

走出小宏的病房，猛然想起大概一个月前，隔壁的床位同样住了另外一个患上淋巴癌的男童。唯独他在新年前夕不敌死神的召唤，最终因其并发症而悄然病逝。获知小童离世的噩耗，心情失落了一阵子。那刻，我在想: 才十个年头，还未来得及看完这个多姿多彩的世界，他的一生就此匆匆结束了。与许，有一天当我们在生活中遇到瓶颈，自怨自艾之际，不妨想一想，此刻的自己已是多么的幸福！至少今早的我还能张开眼睛，心跳与呼吸并存，自己还活在这个世界上。小童不幸的遭遇令我更加珍惜现在所拥有的一切，感激上天。

今天是elective 的最后一天，心情显得有点依依不舍，心想这两个月“我在儿科肿瘤部的日子”，日后必成为我毕生难忘的经验。

单身情人节

2月14日情人节—对于现在仍处于单身阶段的我来说，它与一般日子无异。大多数的单身一族看着身边的好友成双成对地赴约，共渡浪漫二人世界之际，心中恨不得自己能得到爱神的眷顾，在来年的情人节能够与属于自己的真命天子/天女甜蜜渡过。也许，有些人认为一个人的情人节总是显得格外孤寂；但我却不认同，反观自己还能自由自在地渡过单身情人节，那也是一种享受啊！至少，今年的情人节无需为了筹备情人节晚餐而头痛，更不用为了挑选独特的情人节礼物而忙透了。

新年聚会里，偶然发现周围的朋友都已名花/明草有主了，单身列车上的乘客已寥寥无几。很不幸的，单身列车上尚未除名的我成了大家当晚“攻击”的目标之一。

“你到现在都未曾追求过任何女生啊？”

大家都摆出难以置信的表情。接着，大伙儿兴致勃勃地探索小弟的择偶条件，并娓娓道出本身对爱情的“独特”见解。

我在想：其实自己在择偶方面并没有过高的要求，只不过要遇到一个让你一见倾心的人，机会是何等的渺茫！与许自己还未准备接受任何恋情吧! 别误会，本人从未经历过什么爱情创伤似的，只不过到目前为止还不想谈恋爱罢了。就像之前在部落格所提及的，也许从小就看香港连续剧长大的，久而久之就比较想往类似剧中的办公室恋爱，男女主角往往在职场邂逅，继而堕入爱河，共谱恋曲。（若是当年盛行台湾青春偶像剧，与许我的恋爱史就要改写了，哈！）届时，除了思想比较成熟之外，彼此也拥有独立的经济能力。虽说金钱不是经营一段美满爱情的首要条件，但至少有了它，我们能编织那梦寐以求的爱情故事情节，为另外一半带来源源不绝的惊喜。譬如情人节当晚躺在私人游轮的甲板上看星星、为她订造独一无二的情人节礼物。我曾想过有朝一日为她订造一双玻璃鞋，但愿它的女主人，就像童话故事里的灰姑娘，从此过着幸福快乐的日子。

天马行空一番后，又要回到现实的生活了。其实，即使没有浪漫的法国大餐、令人陶醉的红酒或玫瑰等，情人节也可以变得很浪漫。也许一句简单的：“亲爱的，情人节快乐！”、一件亲手做的小礼物足以让彼此感到窝心一整天。那天从某部戏剧听到这么一句话：“其实幸福就住在我们的心里，只要你感到幸福，你就会得到幸福。”的确，只要彼此珍惜对方，无时无刻守候在对方身旁，那么天天就是情人节了！趁着情人节的到来，在此祝福天下有情人终成眷属；单身的朋友尽情享受没有情人的情人节吧!